Monday, June 19, 2017

Kevin

I thought things were good
I was somewhat ok with my life
I made a friend
I laughed like I hadn't in a while with my old friend India
And for a while, I forgot about Kevin.
I forgot about the talk. 
The anger and resentment. 
It wasn't like before...
I could deal with my anger when I wasn't required to deal with his...
And I could see why people told me to forget him.
But the messages wouldn't stop
And the wedding date came up
And I realized it was too late to cancel.
Especially on such short notice.
He said I couldn't skip out
I had to put my anxiety issues aside and face his family
Smile and pretend like everything was ok
Except I still cry at night when everyone has gone to sleep
I still sit at the edge of my bed looking out my window  wishing I was stronger
That if I was stronger
Than I wouldn't have to fight against myself
I would be able to truly smile at someone without wondering if it was sufficient enough
I wouldn't give up half way through the day and take a nap to erase the thoughts
I wouldn't panic about my future
I wouldn't think of suicide
I wouldn't be clinging to you for support
I wouldn't be so self conscious about my body
But mainly...
I wish I was strong enough to pull myself together long enough to make something out of my life
Because with every second that passes, I slowly start to withdraw more from the world

And I panic
I lose control of my anger
I give up...
And I find myself locked up in my closet trying to calm myself down

Another fucking wedding to attend 
I'll drink myself silly to forget everything
And then make myself believe that everything will be ok
Until I get home and realize that it's all a lie
And stare long fully at the vodka filled skull in my room
And debate if it'll help me overcome my anxiety problems even if only for a few hours
But it'll must likely roll up into a ball and fall asleep
Because I'm tired....
So tired...
And what right do I have to complain?
I'm an idiotic girl....

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