Monday, June 19, 2017

Delete

It starts out random. 
Trying to place words together.
Trying to desperately create something
Anything.
But when the pen touches the paper, nothing happens.
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
The emptiness.
Because it's scary.
No sadness.
No tears.
No anger.
No remorse.
No desperation.
Just emptiness.
Buts it can't be!
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
I seek warmth
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Not again...
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
Then what?
Nothing.
So then the music starts playing.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
Delete.
Delete.
Skip.
Skip.
Nope.
Skip.
There it is.
I have to delete it
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
Delete.
Gone.
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Until he crosses my mind
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become more
When did it become an obsession.
I reach for his warmth.
I want to erase those thoughts.
His image.
The disappearing act.
"You gave it a name?"
"Yeah...."
I am scared.
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
His words are cutting into me.
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
I'm nothing.
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
The L word.
Nothing.
I took a big leap.
Cute?
It's hurting again

I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
He's pushing me away.
I ruined it.
It's hurting.
Counting the days..
Nothing.
"Is that all you want from me?"
"Why are we even talking about this?"
The moment is gone.
Reaching the end.
There are tears on my face.
I'm turning 23.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.

I miss my hair. I miss those countless nights walking home with my brother after a long day. I miss feeling like I was complete






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