Monday, June 19, 2017

Endless Thoughts

I was sitting on the kitchen table looking at my coffee mug and contemplating why I even made myself coffee when I didn't really want it. Maybe the need to taste something bitter or overly sweet. Especially knowing how horrible I feel after drinking coffee. And the urges to throw up. 
I kept glancing at my phone expecting it to ring any minute when my mom walked into the kitchen. She sat down and stared at me for a few second before asking me if everything was alright. I answered yes before hesitantly telling her that Kevin had asked me to hang out with him tomorrow. All while avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything at first but I knew she was making a face. Then she asked me what was going on between the two of us. If I still felt something for him or was it nearing the end. I always had an answer for her and anyone who questioned my feelings but not this time. I wasn't sure how to respond so she continued on.
I knew that if I looked at her I would start crying, and I didn't want that so I'm crying now. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't healthy. That she understood that he had health problems but placing us together wasn't healthy. He was only pulling be deeper into a state of depression, whether he knew it or not.
It wasn't the first time someone had said those words to me. 
Over the last two years people have told me the same thing. 
He isn't the one.
He's pulling me down with him.
He's the worst...you can do better. 
Saturday wasn't the first time he stood me up. Last winter, I waited outside a Jewel Osco for 2 hours, calling his number over and over. He had forgotten to pick me up and had gone back to sleep.
He has his good side as well but I've seen less and less of it. 
I told her I didn't know anymore. She nodded, before telling me that she was sad for me. That I was locking myself away in my room, secluding myself from everyone. She thinks I need to go out more and have fun. To do something so I won' be sad anymore, that I have to take small steps to getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I nodded and told her I would try that. And that I was going to look into getting help. Because that's a start right? To getting better?
Because lately I've felt more and more sad. And the need to kill myself is overwhelming me. It's getting to me. Eating away at the positive thoughts. 
I'm sorry...for blabbering on and on...I'll stop now.

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