Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Monday, June 26, 2017
If the agreement goes through then I have not moved forward
Can I curl up into a tiny little ball?
I can't seem to...
Monday, June 19, 2017
Trying to desperately create something
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
Because it's scary.
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
There it is.
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become an obsession.
I want to erase those thoughts.
"You gave it a name?"
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
I took a big leap.
It's hurting again
I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
I ruined it.
Counting the days..
"Why are we even talking about this?"
Reaching the end.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.
Sometimes it's hard to explain myself
I become tongue tied and frustrated
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that
Telling myself that it's nothing, something I'll look back on and laugh about
I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.
I stood at the edge staring into the lake
Cold but freaking amazing
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete
The moon shining so brightly
It made me feel at peace....
I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
I come up blank.
It never mattered before
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.
Now I only find hate...
Telling myself that I can do it.
The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.
I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
But all that comes out is a squeak
Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....
Oh darn it.
Sometimes I wish I could be left alone with my own thoughts.
I wish I could walk out of work without a worry in the world.
I wish I could walk home alone while listening to my music.
I wish I could look at my coworker like I did that night and smile
It's been a while since I've looked forward to talking to someone.
I've been feeling an empty void within me.
Even tough things have been going smoothly.
I get along with my coworkers.
We laugh, they tease me.
A part of me still feels empty
And maybe this crush is nothing more but a craving to fill that void
Because I thought seeing Kevin would fill that void
But waiting outside in the cold with my coworker...
I wished he wouldn't show up.
And sitting there with him after, I realized that he no longer filled that void.
I didn't feel the same way anymore.
I also don't want to ruin this.
I don't want to act on my impulses
On my needs to feel something
Because things don't end well when I do
I was sitting on the kitchen table looking at my coffee mug and contemplating why I even made myself coffee when I didn't really want it. Maybe the need to taste something bitter or overly sweet. Especially knowing how horrible I feel after drinking coffee. And the urges to throw up.
I kept glancing at my phone expecting it to ring any minute when my mom walked into the kitchen. She sat down and stared at me for a few second before asking me if everything was alright. I answered yes before hesitantly telling her that Kevin had asked me to hang out with him tomorrow. All while avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything at first but I knew she was making a face. Then she asked me what was going on between the two of us. If I still felt something for him or was it nearing the end. I always had an answer for her and anyone who questioned my feelings but not this time. I wasn't sure how to respond so she continued on.
I knew that if I looked at her I would start crying, and I didn't want that so I'm crying now. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't healthy. That she understood that he had health problems but placing us together wasn't healthy. He was only pulling be deeper into a state of depression, whether he knew it or not.
It wasn't the first time someone had said those words to me.
Over the last two years people have told me the same thing.
He isn't the one.
He's pulling me down with him.
He's the worst...you can do better.
Saturday wasn't the first time he stood me up. Last winter, I waited outside a Jewel Osco for 2 hours, calling his number over and over. He had forgotten to pick me up and had gone back to sleep.
He has his good side as well but I've seen less and less of it.
I told her I didn't know anymore. She nodded, before telling me that she was sad for me. That I was locking myself away in my room, secluding myself from everyone. She thinks I need to go out more and have fun. To do something so I won' be sad anymore, that I have to take small steps to getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I nodded and told her I would try that. And that I was going to look into getting help. Because that's a start right? To getting better?
Because lately I've felt more and more sad. And the need to kill myself is overwhelming me. It's getting to me. Eating away at the positive thoughts.
I'm sorry...for blabbering on and on...I'll stop now.
Everything starts out good and then it hits rock bottom. Hard.
I'm sitting here at McDonalds wondering why I even agreed to this.
Being with Kevin means I'm automatically associated as someone eccentric and deprived of having a normal sense of humor.
Which is not entirely a lie since we share the same similarities. A lot of them.
So I am the third wheel in this friendship admiring Pauls beard
I was reluctant to go out at first because I am feeling like crap.
But then I got into an argument with my mom and she hit me for taking my dads side.
So I agreed to go drink with these idiots just to get out.
Although, I might just watch them drink.
I feel like asking Paul to take me with him but I know he won't.
I thought things were good
I was somewhat ok with my life
I made a friend
I laughed like I hadn't in a while with my old friend India
And for a while, I forgot about Kevin.
I forgot about the talk.
The anger and resentment.
It wasn't like before...
I could deal with my anger when I wasn't required to deal with his...
And I could see why people told me to forget him.
But the messages wouldn't stop
And the wedding date came up
And I realized it was too late to cancel.
Especially on such short notice.
He said I couldn't skip out
I had to put my anxiety issues aside and face his family
Smile and pretend like everything was ok
Except I still cry at night when everyone has gone to sleep
I still sit at the edge of my bed looking out my window wishing I was stronger
That if I was stronger
Than I wouldn't have to fight against myself
I would be able to truly smile at someone without wondering if it was sufficient enough
I wouldn't give up half way through the day and take a nap to erase the thoughts
I wouldn't panic about my future
I wouldn't think of suicide
I wouldn't be clinging to you for support
I wouldn't be so self conscious about my body
I wish I was strong enough to pull myself together long enough to make something out of my life
Because with every second that passes, I slowly start to withdraw more from the world
And I panic
I lose control of my anger
I give up...
And I find myself locked up in my closet trying to calm myself down
Another fucking wedding to attend
I'll drink myself silly to forget everything
And then make myself believe that everything will be ok
Until I get home and realize that it's all a lie
And stare long fully at the vodka filled skull in my room
And debate if it'll help me overcome my anxiety problems even if only for a few hours
But it'll must likely roll up into a ball and fall asleep
Because I'm tired....
And what right do I have to complain?
I'm an idiotic girl....
Sunday, June 18, 2017
If I asked you why
Would you be able to answer me honestly
Without any hesitation
What is wrong with me
Chopping away at my hair
Silently screaming obscenities
Picking up the razor, shaving away
Unknown to everyone but me
Can you see the frustration building up inside me?
You're so soft
I want to taste you
Do you know what you do to me?
Sometimes I lie in bed
Reliving those sweet moments
Spent curled up on your couch
Running my hands through your hair
Along your cheeks
Along your beard
You don't understand what you do to me
How much I yearn to stay with you
Curled up against you
Wanting to feel your warmth
Sometimes I want to feel wanted
It used to be enough just to know
That someone yearned for me
Even if only for a few minutes
Play dress up
Watch them closely
Every action carefully acted out
The sweet young thing
The nervous young girl
The one who understood
I couldn't let my guard down
I couldn't stop.
It was never enough
There was always something missing
The name is rolling off my tongue
Tasting each letter
Nervous. Unsure. Seeking the warmth of another human being.
My heart is beating madly.
I am a complete nervous mess.
I'm slipping through the cracks
I don't have any control
What are you doing to me?
Without having to contemplate
I have never lost control of my emotions like that
At least not in front of someone
I'm slipping through the cracks.
I want you to tell me you love me
I want to feel wanted by you.
Even if its only a lie.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
I get confused and my words start tangling up
Along with my thoughts
So here I am sitting on my bed half naked contemplating my existence
I feel that something has changed and that bothers me.
I feel that I am reaching the end of something. Something I'm desperately holding onto. The moon looks beautiful as always.
But tonight, it doesn't give me a sense of peace.
If you tell me you love me
Then it might make things a little better
But those words will never be said
He's gone off.
No good bye
No I love you
The anger is building up...
Sitting on an empty bed
Skin so soft, tender
He's looking at me
Whispering sweet words into my ear
They mean nothing to me
But it's so easy to let go
Even if only for a few seconds
The night is cold
The wind pushing against me as I struggle to keep warm
The moon looks beautiful
There is nothing in my pockets
I desperately want a cigarette
Maybe even a drink
I want to fall down and stay down
The warmth is gone.
There is only an empty ache that can't be filled
It would be so easy to let go