Thursday, June 30, 2016

My first love. My only true love.

He wasn't like anyone I had ever met. I stumbled across his webpage by pure accident. I don't recall how we started talking. But I did do a lot of stalking.  He was eccentric. Intriguing. Our first encounter was a little strange and uncomfortable. 

But as I got to know him I became very attached. He was a drug user. A high school dropout. 

He was an artist. A philosopher. An explorer. A book lover. Cat lover. Outgoing. 

We would spend countless hours at the library tucked away in a corner. Staring up at he sky as he got high. Walking along the train talks talking about life. Sitting on his bed shuffling through his collection of books. Trading Stephen Kings book in excitement. 

Walking around the thrift store. Pilling books on the floor. He wasn't like anyone I had met. 

Our first kiss was bitter and sweet. He didn't want a relationship. I had just gotten back with an ex. 

I started drifting away from him. Pulling into myself. Withdrawing. He took my silences as they came. Drifting away from me. 

Time passed. I missed him more then I thought. And then our paths crossed again. 

Countless hours spent at the library. Shuffling through his collection of books. Watching him get high. Walking along the train tracks exploring.

But it different this time. 

He took my hand in his, pulling me to a stop. I turn to look at him. He smiles, his eyes squinting at me. "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't be here right now." I'm not sure what to say. I'm happy inside but unsure. 

I couldn't be with him. He wanted more. Somewhere along the line, he decided I was the one. But I was too scared. 

So I left. No words. No nothing. 

He met someone and is now happily married.

I can still remember him clearly. 

Tall. Lanky. Long hair dyed like a sunset. That lopsided smile. The scar on his lip. 

Maybe it was for the best that he was the one that got away 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A stranger walks into my head and says, "Hey what are you doing here."

Stranger: In a nutshell that is what I am looking for. A friend that understands me. Someone who loves to read and write. Someone who is a little weird and geeky. Someone who could walk into my head and think its theirs.
But alas, I will probably never find it. I will forever walk down a corridor of empty love. Watching season 2 of Gotham all by my lonesome. 
None of this probably makes sense or maybe it does. 
I hope you find who your looking for my dear.

Good bye

Snowflake: Oh dear stranger, you had me at meow.
At Gotham.
At the structure of your sentences.
I wish to know more about you
What ticks inside your head
The mysteries that keep you a stranger

Meow, meow

Stranger: Riddle me this my feline inclined Fräulein. What flies when it's born, lies when it's alive, and runs when it's dead?
The answer of course is what I seek. Something my own and totally unique. At certain times its been within my grasp. But like all good things. I wake from the living dream. The end.
But endings are beginnings. My head tick..tick...ticks.... on alone. The contents only known. To me and the other person who will some day walk in and mistake it for their own.
Until that day. A stranger I will always be. A Butch without his Fish. But as the wise man said. You have cat to be kitten me. The end but........

Snowflake: But?
You cannot leave me hanging. 
I did not think I'd hear from you again. 
I awaited your response with dread and hope. All while my mine ticked away in anger

Stranger: But?
Endings are beginnings. Everything is cyclical. No hanging was implied. The but, was but, an invitation to reply.
I apologize if I set off a countdown towards anger. Luckily if television has taught me anything. There is always time to cut the red or blue cord. Are you red or blue or perhaps some other hue.
My process may seem strange. I awaited the witching hour to respond. Its when I do most of my writing. I was trying to honor you by waiting. By giving you the best of me. Which tends to come out past three. Hence the lateness of my reply. Who needs to sleep and dream of fantasy. When a snowflake exists in actuality.
But a lesson hard learned is a lesson forever earned.

Now for a story. 

Two strangers dancing in the night. Entwined like two blue Lilly's fighting for the light. Their music. The beating of their hearts. Their ballroom. The distance between forever and a day. Their story. Yet to be told. Two strangers dancing in the night. Entwined like two blue Lilly's fighting for the light. On and on they go. Maybe ever slow. But on and on they go. Until they become one. Like magic mixed with sunshine. DIVINE.

Are you still intrigued. My purring snowflake. Shall our correspondence continue. Is magic worth the wait?

Snowflake: I was not angry at you.
Oh quite the opposite actually. 
You've kept me fascinated and intrigued with your stories
With each ending there is a beginning
You've made me chuckle
I will continue to await your response whether it be in the morning or when the stars shine the brightest

Stranger: The only star that shines. Is the twinkle behind your eyes. For your mind is the only jewel I seek. The greatest treasure in this or any other world. If only I could get a peek. Inside the mind behind the eyes. The windows to your soul. But like Icarus flying too close to the sun. I would get lost in the eyes before I got to the mind. For one with a mind like you. Has to have eyes that match the mind. A beautiful mind. A pair of beautiful eyes.
That's why I communicate the way I do. For fear of being lost within a pair of beautiful eyes. Before reaching my one true destination. Being lost inside the mind, I can confuse for being my own. It is strange I know. But alas, names have power. Until that day that we exchange that power, if it ever comes, my nom de plume, the Stranger.
Because after all my brain is for sale to the highest bidder. The only currency I accept. WORDS from within. Whimsical, but it is the currency of truth. 

Au Revoir my snowflake

P.S.....Since I asked you a question. Ask me a question and I must answer in truth. My reward will be a right to ask another question of you. Sounds like purrrrfect fun. A peek for a peek. Tit for tat.

Snowflake: How could you possibly accept anything else as payment?
With such an intriguing mind, I would spend countless night stringing words together to create something worthy. 
I'd stare up at the moon and loose myself in it. I'd purr for it.
It seems like such an interesting show. Oh, the things I would do to catch a glimpse of the things that tick away in the minds of others. 
Those dark corners that hide our deepest fears and desires...
What could have possibly lead someone as fascinating as you to Cl?

Stranger: What could have possibly lead someone as fascinating as you to CL?

Pain and suffering. Betrayal and disappointment. Fear and desire.

A glimpse into those dark corners. I fear never finding my equal. I fear being alone. I desire eyes to get lost in. I desire the electricity generated by a lovers kiss and touch.
In the past it has been easy to get a woman whenever I felt the need for a relationship. But I crave the mind of a unique woman. To see her for who she really is. For her to see me for who I really am. To be one in mind body and soul. To share no secrets because we truly, deeply, know everything about each other. To expose our flaws, and desires. To love without fear. To find that special lady whose mind I can mistake for my own. I have yet to find anyone I have felt this way with. 
I might be asking too much. Love like this might not exist. In my experience people do not often show their true selves. That is why I have ventured forth onto here. To try a new way of getting to know someone. A slower but more intimate way.

How could you possibly accept anything else as payment?

In the past I have accepted far less. And because of that I still sometimes feel the pain in my heart at night when I sleep alone. But whatever kills you makes you stronger. Well in my case wiser. Now I know what I want.

“What do you desire? What do you fear?” said the Stranger to the purring snowflake.

Snowflake: Because it would be the last place to find someone intriguing. 
After all, you can't judge a book by its cover. 
I prefer written words over spoken ones. Loosing myself in the words spread across the pages.
I'm a complicated mass of sadness and anger.
My fear is to loose myself in the darkness surrounding my mind. That my struggle to make it through each day might be for nothing. 
My complications never lead to good endings.
My desire is to make peace with myself. To stare up at the stars and feel peace. To know that everything will be alright. To find someone who is not scared by the thoughts in my head. Or by my flaws.
I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. That I refuse to sleep at night, in fear of what I'll dream of.
Oh dear stranger.. You have me all tangled up...

What could I possibly ask you?

Stranger: You can not in fact judge a book by its cover. Unless of course its a two page pamphlet entitled how to be a Nazi. And I am pretty sure you're not a two page pamphlet entitled how to be a Nazi. If you are. My two page pamphlet entitled how to be a Nazi-dar is broken.
I myself also prefer the written word. Face to face I am not a Neanderthal, but I am no where near as elegant as I am when writing. I sometimes tend to be shy until I warm up to a person. And I have yet to meet a person I felt I could be totally myself around.
From what I have just read. You would be comfortable in my head. I am not perfect. I sometimes think its not worth it. I have to take melatonin to sleep. Even though the price to dream is so deep. Sadness and anger are the food. That causes my insecurities to bloom. My fears let loose. No hope at the bottom of the box, I lose. Bad poetry in motion. Darkness the size of an ocean. Will I make it through to the other side. I have yet to find my twin, my mind guide.
If I have you all tangled up. I guess I will have to try to untangle every sweet silky strand. At least I assume inside you're sweet and silky.
You can ask me to dance with you in your dreams some night. Maybe you will fear less if you dance with me through the darkness. I can whisper in your ear. You have no need to fear. For in dreams anything is possible. Even a snowflake and a stranger dancing through the stars. Keeping all the demons at bay.

Au Revoir snowflake

The Stranger

P.S...The question ball is still in your court. You can ask me anything, anytime. I am an open book. Turn my pages.

I feel the same way. 
It's easier to write than it is to talk to someone in person. 
And I keep my guard up. I'm quite tired of people making promises that they can't keep.
You're making my insides tingle as well. 
Oh, you make me want to reach inside your mind and see what you're thinking.
So that will be my question, what are you thinking?

Stranger: I am thinking about angels. What would happen if an angel granted a young girls wish. A young girl who has been through terrible things. Would the young girl ask for escape or for power. An end to her pain. Or the strength to right all wrongs. If the young girl chose strength. Would she right just her wrongs, or put upon her shoulder the burdens of the world, and right all wrongs. I am thinking about the nature of heroes and how they are born.
I would say more. But you asked what I was thinking. Not why I was thinking it. A subtle difference I know. I just want to encourage you to reach inside for more.
Now as to your insides. If they are tingling. You must reach deep inside yourself and scratch that itch. 
Always keep your guard up. It is good to have a moat around your castle. It keeps the hordes out and allows only entry for a single determined individual. Promises being broken. Been there done that. I have been on both sides of that equation. But then someone broke a promise to me that was so devastating. It fundamentally changed me forever. 
That is why I dance with words. Why I set out on a quest to find the one who can mistake my mind for her own. I want to truly know a person inside before I ever meet them outside. These emails are my moat around my castle. 

Till next time snowflake, 

As always.....The Stranger

P.S. What shape does your soul take?

Snowflake: You made your way around my question.
It's been years since I've reached inside myself and sought out words for others to read. No one ever truly wanted to read what I wrote. And I never truly found someone  who made me want to reach inside. Someone who fascinated me so much, I'd want to reach inside...
Sometimes it feels like I never will.
And sometimes that's ok with me. 
Because I wouldn't want someone to take away the dark thoughts inside my mind. 
That they might leave me with nothing but broken fragments.
I wouldn't honestly know. I'm sorry but I don't think I have answer for that question.

Why did you respond to my ad?

Stranger: By not answering the question. You did answer the question. You are dark thoughts and broken fragments. 
If the dark thoughts are you. They can never be taken away. Only given. Broken fragments are only puzzle pieces begging to be put back together. Or at least that is how I like to look at it. I have been broken many times. What I put back together is the true me. A soul that knows what it wants.
I want to read the words that you write. For now its all I want from you. I ask for nothing but a peek inside your mind. How many people would only ask for words from you. To not even need to know what you look like. To know your soul before your body. To not need to know anything but your thoughts before diving in. Not many. But I am not many. I am the strange Stranger who seeks to know a snowflake before it melts.
I responded to your ad because I was lonely and wanted a friend. Well that is not entirely true. I went on craigslist because I was lonely and wanted a friend. I responded to your ad because you said you were an oddball and that resonated with me. Plus you like Gotham. I like Gotham. You like Pizza. I like Pizza. You like Pepsi. I like Pepsi. You seemed unique and to good to be true. But even if that was the case. I never back away from kismet.

The Stranger sits on the purple grass. The twin suns behind him. With red light streaming over his shoulder he asks, "What do you need? What do you want? What do you have? What do you see?

Snowflake: I feel the same way about those broken fragments.
I see the endless array of stars shining down. My existence feels so fragile and unrealistic. I yearn for freedom, an escape from the torment that is my mind. That I can wake up and pull myself out of bed instead of lying there trying to get off. That I can look up at the sky and see beauty instead of darkness.
It is not the greatest...

Stranger: Complain to the strangers ear that has no judgment. Because from what perspective are you an idiotic girl. That implies stupidity. With such a beautiful, insightful mind, that is impossible. You are a fallen angel wearing a robe of shadows not an idiotic girl. Sometimes darkness is beautiful.
Thank you for showing me your truth
So many mysteries laid bare
A snowflake wants to dance in the air
But a weight not her own has been tied to her
She tries and tries to rise
But the weight keeps pulling her down
The snowflake just wants to be free
Each morning as the sun rises
The snowflake tries to fly
But the weight keeps pulling her down
And down and down and down
Every night as the sun sets
The snowflake melts a little more.
So the Stranger sees the Snowflake more clearly now. He gets up off the purple grass. He snaps his fingers and the twin suns go out. In the darkness now. He whispers, “See, the darkness does not scare me. Here I stand unafraid. Here I stand in acceptance of your truth. You are You. Nothing more nothing less. I see the beauty in that. I embrace it. So here I stand unafraid. So here I stand in acceptance of your truth.”

Snowflake: I was worried of what your response would be, that you'd reject me.
I had the terrible urge to lean against you and let you whisper sweet words that will give me comfort.
I had someone I once trusted deeply. He knew about the demons in my head, the desperation eating away at me. I trusted him with everything. And then one day, he left. 
And that was it. No explanation, no good-bye 

Stranger: The twin suns come back up after the Stranger is done talking. The pleasant snowflake peeks out of her cocoon. She sees the Stranger sitting once more on the purple grass. For a second she feels safe. Safe enough to land on the Strangers lap. But then the memories of her time before the cocoon. Her time as something else, come back. So she flies towards the Stranger and hovers near his ear. The pleasant snowflake says, “Please Stranger tell me another story.”

The Stranger thinks for a second then says. 

I cannot share his story. Whether it was another tale he spun for me or a reality. In summery, it was sad.

"I spiraled into darkness. Dabbled in many bad things. I did not get better because of therapy or any medication. I did not get better because someone else said they understood. I did not get better because I was berated by other to get better. I simply got bored. So I built myself back up piece by piece. It took awhile. I had some set backs. But I did it. And now I am stronger and wiser. I know what I want and how to get it.

A dad died but a stranger was born.”

The Stranger does not wait for a reaction from the pleasant snowflake. He simply gets up and begins to walk away. He does not look back because he knows. What does he know? He knows that if the snowflake is as special as he thinks she is. She will follow without having to be asked. 
Then one day he could as her, "What is real? What is false?"

Snowflake: The snowflake watches the Stranger walk away before following after him. She wants to hug him and tell him that everything will be ok. But those words are meaningless. They cannot erase the damage that has been done or take away the pain. So she hugs him before whispering a story

"When the stars shine brightly and the cool night breeze brushes against my skin, I loose myself in my thoughts."

She stops, unsure of where to begin. She pulls away.

"I'm not someone who you should trust. 
I'm a compulsive liar. I'm not in the healthiest state of mind. I would only make things even worse."

She smiles sadly, thinking back on all those broken promises made to her. The promise that they would never leave. But they all gave up when they couldn't fix her. When she refused to listen to their words of comfort. She's too tired of that.

"I am not someone to tell you what is true and what is false. Because I cannot tell the difference."

Stranger: For the past few night. When the stars shine brightly and the cool night breeze brushes against my skin, I loose myself in YOUR thoughts. Your mind is what attracts me. You are unique. No other like you. A pleasant snowflake.
Who says I trust anyone. Lie away. I am looking at the things unsaid and the things in between the things said. Not the things said themselves. For every one lies. Even I, from time to time. I do not seek the same things I sought in the past.
All I want now is someone who shares their inner mind only with me. Whatever else they do. I do not care. I just want their inner mind. The true them. Not that I would not want to taste their body one day. I would if their mind is delicious. My new philosophy is Love can not be broken if you love only a mind and not a body.
I promise you nothing and I ask no promises from you. I could never fix you. If you ever wanted to fix yourself. I could offer you support, but I could never fix you and I would not try. You are You. That is what I seek. Not perfection, only uniqueness. But I am strange. What I want is not for everyone.
What is real? What is false? They are both the same thing. What is real can turn out to be false. What is false can be made real. Reality is what we make of it. Our minds are the creators. Our bodies only puppets. The only law. Create.
So maybe you have it backwards snowflake. Maybe it is me who would make things worse for you.

The snowflake watches the Stranger walk away before following after him. She wants to hug him and tell him that everything will be ok. But those words are meaningless. They cannot erase the damage that has been done or take away the pain. So she hugs him then attempts to whisper him a story. Before she can say anything the Stranger stops her by putting two fingers on her lips. He then takes the two fingers off her lips and puts them on to his own and says, “Do not weep for the man in the story. That man is not this man. Time changes everything. Who I was in the past. Is not who I am today. Who I am today. Will not be who I am in the future. That is the nature of being illuminated.”

Snowflake: The snowflake stares at the Stranger attempting to figure what she is feeling.

"When I talk talk to you...and when I read your stories...
You make me want to reach inside and write.
Write what you're making me feel, what is it that makes my mind tick. 
I want to bare my soul to you. Tell you my fears, my dreams...
I want to listen to what you have to say. I want to embrace what makes you a Stranger. 
It's been years since someone has made me feel like this..."

She stares up at the sky, wishing she could see the moon. The snowflake looks at the Stranger once before walking away. She doesn't know what to make of her thoughts.

Sometimes I don't think I want to be fixed. Because what would happen to me then? 

Stranger: Everyone lives in their own reality bubble. What is real to one is not always real to another. I know you know this. So if you want to see the moon. See the moon. Make the moon manifest in your mind. 
You are different. People try to pigeon hole you into what they think of as normal. Try to fix you. Try to cure you. I am not qualified to do either. For all I know the reality you see is the real one and the one I see is false. So I just want to know your mind as it is. If your mind changes in the future. Then I will get to know that new mind. If it changes again. Then I will get to know it again. Nothing is true, everything is permitted. 
Like I said I might be the one that makes you worse. I am seriously thinking of changing our conversation. Maybe my strange weirding way is not for you. I can integrate my reality bubble with any other. If the shadows came for me. I would make them my own. Then send them out to do my bidding. I make all realities my own. So I can function in any reality.
I do not want you to spiral further away into your own personal hell. I am here to listen always. I will not abandon you snowflake. But I will slow down on reinforcing philosophies that may hurt you more than help.
All this means is the nature of our conversation will change. Not that the conversation will stop...


Zoé - Labios Rotos (MTV Unplugged):

I have this whole playlist dedicated to lonely empty nights. 
As well as days when I just want to drown myself in my thoughts. 

On these nights I sometimes reminisce. 


I've never truly met anyone whose inspired me.

I'm not the intellectual type. At the most I'm average. Maybe a lithe lower. 
 Sometimes it's easier to start in the middle. Beginnings are hard.

He was a complete Stranger.

Sometimes I like to go back and re-read our correspondences.

He wasn't like anyone I had met before 
How I miss him.

I'm not entirely sure what to write.
I started this with the intent of motivating myself.

When I get bored I randomly place patches on my pants.

I also went out to eat last night
Well, my coworker asked me to go out and being the hungry person that I am, I said yes.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016


Today does not feel like a good day...

This happens to be one of my favorite songs.

He's truly extraordinary.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Beach and Zoo

My day today involves going to the beach followed by a last minute visit to the zoo.

I've been trying to be more active this summer.
So my brother has been teaching me how to swim.

We're planning on buying skates.
Small steps for both of us.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

It's been years since I've written anything on here

Maybe I should start with myself and who I am.

My name is Noemi.
I'm 23.

If you've stumbled across my blog...
Well...expect sad stories. Overwhelming thoughts. Pictures of my life as I go along. Tidbits of a story I'm currently working on. The occasional song. Books.

I'm a bundle of confusion.
You can tell a lot about me from my room.