Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Madness





I’m the sadistic person wallowing in my depression, skipping school and meeting strangers that make me feel wanted if only for an hour. I wallow deep inside the thoughts that fill my head hoping that one day they might give me the answer I yearn for. Maybe even give me a reason to live the days to their fullest.



How many letters have I written over the course of my 20 years, soon to be 21?



I am in the need to spill my feelings out even tough the feeling of wanting to do so is slowly evaporating into thin air. And I debate if I want to break up with Kevin simply for the need to be alone. He would not comprehend my needs mentally. Physically I have given up. I am easily bored and thrown into a mass of depression. And when that happens I loose control of my emotions and spiral into a dark part of my mind I have locked away. I question my life, my body, my choice of major, sending doubt spiraling through me as I throw things in anger. Sometimes even against people. It’s easier to hurt those around me because then at least I can feel something as I try to make amends with them. Other times I sit on my bed staring out the window with the desire to walk out and never come back. I want to look up at the sky at night and see the stars burning in the sky. I want to feel the grass underneath me as I roll around in it enjoying my newfound freedom. But like every night I try to push the feeling of emptiness from overcoming me. Because then it fills me with dread at what has become of my life. And when I try to reach out to someone all I feel is the empty air. And the pain overcomes the dread sending me deeper into the dark corners of my mind. Then the memories start to come back reminding me of what I used to be, the things I did to find comfort. The way they would hold me, hands wrapped around my waist as they pulled me closer into their needs. Lying awake after the emptiness in my heart being refilled, the comfort of their warm bodies never enough. Nothing is ever enough to fill those holes in my heart or to erase the memories locked away. Sometimes everything becomes tangled and I can no longer tell what is real. And everything I worked hard, the walls built to help me hold myself together fall apart. Then I am left curled up in a tight ball crying, my emotions jumbled up as I try to hold it all in. By then no one can comfort me as I push them all out. And then I’m left feeling overwhelmed and weak. I am left to pull myself together only to fall apart not long after.