Friday, July 28, 2017
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Monday, June 26, 2017
If the agreement goes through then I have not moved forward
Can I curl up into a tiny little ball?
I can't seem to...
Monday, June 19, 2017
Trying to desperately create something
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
Because it's scary.
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
There it is.
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become an obsession.
I want to erase those thoughts.
"You gave it a name?"
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
I took a big leap.
It's hurting again
I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
I ruined it.
Counting the days..
"Why are we even talking about this?"
Reaching the end.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.
Sometimes it's hard to explain myself
I become tongue tied and frustrated
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that
Telling myself that it's nothing, something I'll look back on and laugh about
I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.
I stood at the edge staring into the lake
Cold but freaking amazing
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete
The moon shining so brightly
It made me feel at peace....
I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
I come up blank.
It never mattered before
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.
Now I only find hate...
Telling myself that I can do it.
The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.
I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
But all that comes out is a squeak
Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....
Oh darn it.
Sometimes I wish I could be left alone with my own thoughts.
I wish I could walk out of work without a worry in the world.
I wish I could walk home alone while listening to my music.
I wish I could look at my coworker like I did that night and smile
It's been a while since I've looked forward to talking to someone.
I've been feeling an empty void within me.
Even tough things have been going smoothly.
I get along with my coworkers.
We laugh, they tease me.
A part of me still feels empty
And maybe this crush is nothing more but a craving to fill that void
Because I thought seeing Kevin would fill that void
But waiting outside in the cold with my coworker...
I wished he wouldn't show up.
And sitting there with him after, I realized that he no longer filled that void.
I didn't feel the same way anymore.
I also don't want to ruin this.
I don't want to act on my impulses
On my needs to feel something
Because things don't end well when I do
I was sitting on the kitchen table looking at my coffee mug and contemplating why I even made myself coffee when I didn't really want it. Maybe the need to taste something bitter or overly sweet. Especially knowing how horrible I feel after drinking coffee. And the urges to throw up.
I kept glancing at my phone expecting it to ring any minute when my mom walked into the kitchen. She sat down and stared at me for a few second before asking me if everything was alright. I answered yes before hesitantly telling her that Kevin had asked me to hang out with him tomorrow. All while avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything at first but I knew she was making a face. Then she asked me what was going on between the two of us. If I still felt something for him or was it nearing the end. I always had an answer for her and anyone who questioned my feelings but not this time. I wasn't sure how to respond so she continued on.
I knew that if I looked at her I would start crying, and I didn't want that so I'm crying now. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't healthy. That she understood that he had health problems but placing us together wasn't healthy. He was only pulling be deeper into a state of depression, whether he knew it or not.
It wasn't the first time someone had said those words to me.
Over the last two years people have told me the same thing.
He isn't the one.
He's pulling me down with him.
He's the worst...you can do better.
Saturday wasn't the first time he stood me up. Last winter, I waited outside a Jewel Osco for 2 hours, calling his number over and over. He had forgotten to pick me up and had gone back to sleep.
He has his good side as well but I've seen less and less of it.
I told her I didn't know anymore. She nodded, before telling me that she was sad for me. That I was locking myself away in my room, secluding myself from everyone. She thinks I need to go out more and have fun. To do something so I won' be sad anymore, that I have to take small steps to getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I nodded and told her I would try that. And that I was going to look into getting help. Because that's a start right? To getting better?
Because lately I've felt more and more sad. And the need to kill myself is overwhelming me. It's getting to me. Eating away at the positive thoughts.
I'm sorry...for blabbering on and on...I'll stop now.