Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Friday, July 28, 2017
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Monday, June 26, 2017
If the agreement goes through then I have not moved forward
Can I curl up into a tiny little ball?
I can't seem to...
Monday, June 19, 2017
Trying to desperately create something
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
Because it's scary.
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
There it is.
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become an obsession.
I want to erase those thoughts.
"You gave it a name?"
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
I took a big leap.
It's hurting again
I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
I ruined it.
Counting the days..
"Why are we even talking about this?"
Reaching the end.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.
Sometimes it's hard to explain myself
I become tongue tied and frustrated
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that
Telling myself that it's nothing, something I'll look back on and laugh about
I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.
I stood at the edge staring into the lake
Cold but freaking amazing
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete
The moon shining so brightly
It made me feel at peace....
I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
I come up blank.
It never mattered before
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.
Now I only find hate...
Telling myself that I can do it.
The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.
I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
But all that comes out is a squeak
Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....
Oh darn it.
Sometimes I wish I could be left alone with my own thoughts.
I wish I could walk out of work without a worry in the world.
I wish I could walk home alone while listening to my music.
I wish I could look at my coworker like I did that night and smile
It's been a while since I've looked forward to talking to someone.
I've been feeling an empty void within me.
Even tough things have been going smoothly.
I get along with my coworkers.
We laugh, they tease me.
A part of me still feels empty
And maybe this crush is nothing more but a craving to fill that void
Because I thought seeing Kevin would fill that void
But waiting outside in the cold with my coworker...
I wished he wouldn't show up.
And sitting there with him after, I realized that he no longer filled that void.
I didn't feel the same way anymore.
I also don't want to ruin this.
I don't want to act on my impulses
On my needs to feel something
Because things don't end well when I do