Friday, July 28, 2017

Life

It's one of those nights....


Locked away in a closet. 
Ostracised for being a crybaby 
Hated by other girls for wearing frilly clothes
My clothes ironed to perfection
Hair pulled up into a ponytail
My mom loved those frilly dresses
But the others girls hated me for them

Hated me for dressing differently from everyone else years later
For my long hair that hid my face
Combat boots laced tightly
Ripped pants, Stephen King books tucked away in my book bag

Cutting away every long strand
Whispers about the girl who was different
The freak. 

Am I in love?


What is this horrid feeling I feel.....





Forgive me for not meeting you those nights. 



Let me die in peace.



Kiss me and tell me that everything will be ok.



Tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story....


Tuesday, July 4, 2017

LOVE

The note is fluttering against the wind
Caught between the pages of the book
It's another scattered letter
Dropped off in the middle of nowhere
Amongst the forgotten books
In the bathroom stall
In the grass where it will fly off
 
Love me.
Even if only for a second
Tell me I'm pretty
Even if it's a lie
 
I just want to believe
That this world isn't so horrible

 

Monday, June 26, 2017

Gone

I'm not sure what going through my head. I'm falling on old habits.
If the agreement goes through then I have not moved forward 

Running away
Planning my suicide. 
Taking each day with a frustrated expression 
I'll run to the lake
Sit at the edge. 
Drink myself silly.
Take my pills 
Let myself be taken by the waves.
Engulfed in what I fear the most


Can I curl up into a tiny little ball?





I can't seem to...

Monday, June 19, 2017

Delete

It starts out random. 
Trying to place words together.
Trying to desperately create something
Anything.
But when the pen touches the paper, nothing happens.
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
The emptiness.
Because it's scary.
No sadness.
No tears.
No anger.
No remorse.
No desperation.
Just emptiness.
Buts it can't be!
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
I seek warmth
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Not again...
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
Then what?
Nothing.
So then the music starts playing.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
Delete.
Delete.
Skip.
Skip.
Nope.
Skip.
There it is.
I have to delete it
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
Delete.
Gone.
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Until he crosses my mind
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become more
When did it become an obsession.
I reach for his warmth.
I want to erase those thoughts.
His image.
The disappearing act.
"You gave it a name?"
"Yeah...."
I am scared.
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
His words are cutting into me.
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
I'm nothing.
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
The L word.
Nothing.
I took a big leap.
Cute?
It's hurting again

I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
He's pushing me away.
I ruined it.
It's hurting.
Counting the days..
Nothing.
"Is that all you want from me?"
"Why are we even talking about this?"
The moment is gone.
Reaching the end.
There are tears on my face.
I'm turning 23.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.

I miss my hair. I miss those countless nights walking home with my brother after a long day. I miss feeling like I was complete






Random

Sometimes it's hard to explain myself 
I become tongue tied and frustrated 
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that 
Telling myself that it's nothing,  something I'll look back on and laugh about

I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.

I stood at the edge staring into the lake 
Cold but freaking amazing 
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete 
The moon shining so brightly 
It made me feel at peace....

I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
And then...
I come up blank.
It never mattered before 
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.

Now I only find hate...
Empty promises
Empty words 
Telling myself that I can do it.

The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.

I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs 
But all that comes out is a squeak

Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....

Oh darn it.

Lots and lots

Sometimes I wish I could be left alone with my own thoughts. 
I wish I could walk out of work without a worry in the world. 
I wish I could walk home alone while listening to my music. 
I wish I could look at my coworker like I did that night and smile
It's been a while since I've looked forward to talking to someone. 
I've been feeling an empty void within me.
Even tough things have been going smoothly.
I get along with my coworkers. 
We laugh, they tease me. 
A part of me still feels empty
And maybe this crush is nothing more but a craving to fill that void
Because I thought seeing Kevin would fill that void
But waiting outside in the cold with my coworker...
I wished he wouldn't show up.
And sitting there with him after, I realized that he no longer filled that void. 
I didn't feel the same way anymore. 
I also don't want to ruin this. 
I don't want to act on my impulses
On my needs to feel something
Because things don't end well when I do

Endless Thoughts

I was sitting on the kitchen table looking at my coffee mug and contemplating why I even made myself coffee when I didn't really want it. Maybe the need to taste something bitter or overly sweet. Especially knowing how horrible I feel after drinking coffee. And the urges to throw up. 
I kept glancing at my phone expecting it to ring any minute when my mom walked into the kitchen. She sat down and stared at me for a few second before asking me if everything was alright. I answered yes before hesitantly telling her that Kevin had asked me to hang out with him tomorrow. All while avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything at first but I knew she was making a face. Then she asked me what was going on between the two of us. If I still felt something for him or was it nearing the end. I always had an answer for her and anyone who questioned my feelings but not this time. I wasn't sure how to respond so she continued on.
I knew that if I looked at her I would start crying, and I didn't want that so I'm crying now. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't healthy. That she understood that he had health problems but placing us together wasn't healthy. He was only pulling be deeper into a state of depression, whether he knew it or not.
It wasn't the first time someone had said those words to me. 
Over the last two years people have told me the same thing. 
He isn't the one.
He's pulling me down with him.
He's the worst...you can do better. 
Saturday wasn't the first time he stood me up. Last winter, I waited outside a Jewel Osco for 2 hours, calling his number over and over. He had forgotten to pick me up and had gone back to sleep.
He has his good side as well but I've seen less and less of it. 
I told her I didn't know anymore. She nodded, before telling me that she was sad for me. That I was locking myself away in my room, secluding myself from everyone. She thinks I need to go out more and have fun. To do something so I won' be sad anymore, that I have to take small steps to getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I nodded and told her I would try that. And that I was going to look into getting help. Because that's a start right? To getting better?
Because lately I've felt more and more sad. And the need to kill myself is overwhelming me. It's getting to me. Eating away at the positive thoughts. 
I'm sorry...for blabbering on and on...I'll stop now.