Monday, June 19, 2017

Delete

It starts out random. 
Trying to place words together.
Trying to desperately create something
Anything.
But when the pen touches the paper, nothing happens.
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
The emptiness.
Because it's scary.
No sadness.
No tears.
No anger.
No remorse.
No desperation.
Just emptiness.
Buts it can't be!
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
I seek warmth
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Not again...
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
Then what?
Nothing.
So then the music starts playing.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
Delete.
Delete.
Skip.
Skip.
Nope.
Skip.
There it is.
I have to delete it
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
Delete.
Gone.
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Until he crosses my mind
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become more
When did it become an obsession.
I reach for his warmth.
I want to erase those thoughts.
His image.
The disappearing act.
"You gave it a name?"
"Yeah...."
I am scared.
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
His words are cutting into me.
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
I'm nothing.
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
The L word.
Nothing.
I took a big leap.
Cute?
It's hurting again

I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
He's pushing me away.
I ruined it.
It's hurting.
Counting the days..
Nothing.
"Is that all you want from me?"
"Why are we even talking about this?"
The moment is gone.
Reaching the end.
There are tears on my face.
I'm turning 23.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.

I miss my hair. I miss those countless nights walking home with my brother after a long day. I miss feeling like I was complete






Random

Sometimes it's hard to explain myself 
I become tongue tied and frustrated 
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that 
Telling myself that it's nothing,  something I'll look back on and laugh about

I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.

I stood at the edge staring into the lake 
Cold but freaking amazing 
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete 
The moon shining so brightly 
It made me feel at peace....

I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
And then...
I come up blank.
It never mattered before 
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.

Now I only find hate...
Empty promises
Empty words 
Telling myself that I can do it.

The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.

I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs 
But all that comes out is a squeak

Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....

Oh darn it.

Lots and lots

Sometimes I wish I could be left alone with my own thoughts. 
I wish I could walk out of work without a worry in the world. 
I wish I could walk home alone while listening to my music. 
I wish I could look at my coworker like I did that night and smile
It's been a while since I've looked forward to talking to someone. 
I've been feeling an empty void within me.
Even tough things have been going smoothly.
I get along with my coworkers. 
We laugh, they tease me. 
A part of me still feels empty
And maybe this crush is nothing more but a craving to fill that void
Because I thought seeing Kevin would fill that void
But waiting outside in the cold with my coworker...
I wished he wouldn't show up.
And sitting there with him after, I realized that he no longer filled that void. 
I didn't feel the same way anymore. 
I also don't want to ruin this. 
I don't want to act on my impulses
On my needs to feel something
Because things don't end well when I do

Endless Thoughts

I was sitting on the kitchen table looking at my coffee mug and contemplating why I even made myself coffee when I didn't really want it. Maybe the need to taste something bitter or overly sweet. Especially knowing how horrible I feel after drinking coffee. And the urges to throw up. 
I kept glancing at my phone expecting it to ring any minute when my mom walked into the kitchen. She sat down and stared at me for a few second before asking me if everything was alright. I answered yes before hesitantly telling her that Kevin had asked me to hang out with him tomorrow. All while avoiding eye contact. She didn't say anything at first but I knew she was making a face. Then she asked me what was going on between the two of us. If I still felt something for him or was it nearing the end. I always had an answer for her and anyone who questioned my feelings but not this time. I wasn't sure how to respond so she continued on.
I knew that if I looked at her I would start crying, and I didn't want that so I'm crying now. She went on to say that our relationship wasn't healthy. That she understood that he had health problems but placing us together wasn't healthy. He was only pulling be deeper into a state of depression, whether he knew it or not.
It wasn't the first time someone had said those words to me. 
Over the last two years people have told me the same thing. 
He isn't the one.
He's pulling me down with him.
He's the worst...you can do better. 
Saturday wasn't the first time he stood me up. Last winter, I waited outside a Jewel Osco for 2 hours, calling his number over and over. He had forgotten to pick me up and had gone back to sleep.
He has his good side as well but I've seen less and less of it. 
I told her I didn't know anymore. She nodded, before telling me that she was sad for me. That I was locking myself away in my room, secluding myself from everyone. She thinks I need to go out more and have fun. To do something so I won' be sad anymore, that I have to take small steps to getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't have anyone to hang out with. So I nodded and told her I would try that. And that I was going to look into getting help. Because that's a start right? To getting better?
Because lately I've felt more and more sad. And the need to kill myself is overwhelming me. It's getting to me. Eating away at the positive thoughts. 
I'm sorry...for blabbering on and on...I'll stop now.

Paul and his beard

Everything starts out good and then it hits rock bottom. Hard. 
I'm sitting here at McDonalds wondering why I even agreed to this.
Being with Kevin means I'm automatically associated as someone eccentric and deprived of having a normal sense of humor. 
Which is not entirely a lie since we share the same similarities. A lot of them. 
So I am the third wheel in this friendship admiring Pauls beard
I was reluctant to go out at first because I am feeling like crap.
But then I got into an argument with my mom and she hit me for taking my dads side.
So I agreed to go drink with these idiots just to get out. 
Although, I might just watch them drink. 
I feel like asking Paul to take me with him but I know he won't.
Sadly....

Kevin

I thought things were good
I was somewhat ok with my life
I made a friend
I laughed like I hadn't in a while with my old friend India
And for a while, I forgot about Kevin.
I forgot about the talk. 
The anger and resentment. 
It wasn't like before...
I could deal with my anger when I wasn't required to deal with his...
And I could see why people told me to forget him.
But the messages wouldn't stop
And the wedding date came up
And I realized it was too late to cancel.
Especially on such short notice.
He said I couldn't skip out
I had to put my anxiety issues aside and face his family
Smile and pretend like everything was ok
Except I still cry at night when everyone has gone to sleep
I still sit at the edge of my bed looking out my window  wishing I was stronger
That if I was stronger
Than I wouldn't have to fight against myself
I would be able to truly smile at someone without wondering if it was sufficient enough
I wouldn't give up half way through the day and take a nap to erase the thoughts
I wouldn't panic about my future
I wouldn't think of suicide
I wouldn't be clinging to you for support
I wouldn't be so self conscious about my body
But mainly...
I wish I was strong enough to pull myself together long enough to make something out of my life
Because with every second that passes, I slowly start to withdraw more from the world

And I panic
I lose control of my anger
I give up...
And I find myself locked up in my closet trying to calm myself down

Another fucking wedding to attend 
I'll drink myself silly to forget everything
And then make myself believe that everything will be ok
Until I get home and realize that it's all a lie
And stare long fully at the vodka filled skull in my room
And debate if it'll help me overcome my anxiety problems even if only for a few hours
But it'll must likely roll up into a ball and fall asleep
Because I'm tired....
So tired...
And what right do I have to complain?
I'm an idiotic girl....

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Diego


If I asked you why
Would you be able to answer me honestly
Without any hesitation

What is wrong with me
Chopping away at my hair 
Silently screaming obscenities
Picking up the razor, shaving away
Creating imperfections
Unknown to everyone but me

Can you see the frustration building up inside me?

You're so soft
I want to taste you
Do you know what you do to me?

Sometimes I lie in bed 
Reliving those sweet moments
Spent curled up on your couch
Running my hands through your hair
Along your cheeks
Along your beard

You don't understand what you do to me
How much I yearn to stay with you
Curled up against you
Wanting to feel your warmth

Sometimes I want to feel wanted

It used to be enough just to know
That someone yearned for me
Even if only for a few minutes

Play dress up
Play pretend
Watch them closely
Their reactions
Every action carefully acted out
The sweet young thing
The nervous young girl
The one who understood

I couldn't let my guard down
I couldn't stop.
It was never enough
There was always something missing

And then...

"Diego."
The name is rolling off my tongue
Tasting each letter

Nervous. Unsure. Seeking the warmth of another human being.
The Mechanic. 
My heart is beating madly.
I am a complete nervous mess.
I'm slipping through the cracks
I don't have any control

What are you doing to me?
Is this love? honestly liking someone
Without having to contemplate

                          

I have never lost control of my emotions like that
At least not in front of someone

I'm slipping through the cracks.

I want you to tell me you love me
I want to feel wanted by you.

Even if its only a lie.