Tuesday, September 5, 2017

The dissapearing act.

Fall in love.
Meet them. 
Kiss them.
Slipped away into the night 

Sometimes I like myself.
And other times I rip myself apart.

I'm not falling back on old habits.
Not this time. 

Look at me.
Look at the skin that sags on my chin.
The way my hair refuses to behave
Lips smeared with dark lipstick
What a mess I am.

Friday, July 28, 2017


It's one of those nights....

Locked away in a closet. 
Ostracised for being a crybaby 
Hated by other girls for wearing frilly clothes
My clothes ironed to perfection
Hair pulled up into a ponytail
My mom loved those frilly dresses
But the others girls hated me for them

Hated me for dressing differently from everyone else years later
For my long hair that hid my face
Combat boots laced tightly
Ripped pants, Stephen King books tucked away in my book bag

Cutting away every long strand
Whispers about the girl who was different
The freak. 

Am I in love?

What is this horrid feeling I feel.....

Forgive me for not meeting you those nights. 

Let me die in peace.

Kiss me and tell me that everything will be ok.

Tuck me in and tell me a bedtime story....

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


The note is fluttering against the wind
Caught between the pages of the book
It's another scattered letter
Dropped off in the middle of nowhere
Amongst the forgotten books
In the bathroom stall
In the grass where it will fly off
Love me.
Even if only for a second
Tell me I'm pretty
Even if it's a lie
I just want to believe
That this world isn't so horrible


Monday, June 26, 2017


I'm not sure what going through my head. I'm falling on old habits.
If the agreement goes through then I have not moved forward 

Running away
Planning my suicide. 
Taking each day with a frustrated expression 
I'll run to the lake
Sit at the edge. 
Drink myself silly.
Take my pills 
Let myself be taken by the waves.
Engulfed in what I fear the most

Can I curl up into a tiny little ball?

I can't seem to...

Monday, June 19, 2017


It starts out random. 
Trying to place words together.
Trying to desperately create something
But when the pen touches the paper, nothing happens.
The frustration builds up.
But then there is nothing either
And that's the scary part.
The emptiness.
Because it's scary.
No sadness.
No tears.
No anger.
No remorse.
No desperation.
Just emptiness.
Buts it can't be!
There has to be some sort of feeling there!
There can't be emptiness because that's impossible!
I seek warmth
Fall back on old habits to feel something.
The warmth of another body.
Biting soft flesh.
Angrily trying to erase the memories.
Not again...
Just for a few minutes of warmth.
Then what?
So then the music starts playing.
The lyrics trickling away...
Raising the volume.
There it is.
I have to delete it
Otherwise I'm hovering over the numbers desperately wanting to call
But I know I shouldn't
No contact anymore.
It's the only way.
Until he crosses my mind
Then everything starts slipping
When did it become more
When did it become an obsession.
I reach for his warmth.
I want to erase those thoughts.
His image.
The disappearing act.
"You gave it a name?"
I am scared.
It doesn't matter what I tell the world
I'm an emotional mess
His words are cutting into me.
But I can't tell him.
Because it doesn't matter to him if I leave.
He's built up his walls.
Nothing or no one can affect him.
That includes me.
His words are hurting
I'm nothing.
It doesn't matter if he says he cares about me.
That he finds me attractive.
I can be replaced.
The L word.
I took a big leap.
It's hurting again

I'm tilting my head.
Everything's crashing down.
It seems like he will but he doesn't.
He's pushing me away.
I ruined it.
It's hurting.
Counting the days..
"Is that all you want from me?"
"Why are we even talking about this?"
The moment is gone.
Reaching the end.
There are tears on my face.
I'm turning 23.
I feel that my life is reaching the end of something.
I stood outside in the cold.
Feeling the coldness brush up against my skin.

I miss my hair. I miss those countless nights walking home with my brother after a long day. I miss feeling like I was complete


Sometimes it's hard to explain myself 
I become tongue tied and frustrated 
It is not because I am scared of being rejected.
I've learned to move on from that 
Telling myself that it's nothing,  something I'll look back on and laugh about

I yearn to write but whenever I sit down to do so
Something happens to keep me from doing it.

I stood at the edge staring into the lake 
Cold but freaking amazing 
Watching the waves splash onto the concrete 
The moon shining so brightly 
It made me feel at peace....

I had a lot to say...
But then the words start evaporating.
And then...
I come up blank.
It never mattered before 
I knew I wasn't right.
Not the pretty kind of wrong...
So I clung to my words, hoping to find some type of peace
But I stopped.

Now I only find hate...
Empty promises
Empty words 
Telling myself that I can do it.

The Dissappearing Act.
That's what I call it.

I want to drink myself silly.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs 
But all that comes out is a squeak

Maybe I'll drink myself silly....
And scream into the night
With my little squeaks....

Oh darn it.