Thursday, February 23, 2017


Love me

I want to apologize to him
Sometimes I don't know what him I'm talking about
I get confused and my words start tangling up
Along with my thoughts

So here I am sitting on my bed half naked contemplating my existence


I wrote this a few nights ago...

It's a bunch of nonsense

Another sleepless night

Another pack of cigarettes 

The night is so pretty...

Sometimes I can be happy

It'll seem like nothing can bring me down 

But then I'm pulling my hair down, covering my face

Hands tracing my necklace, looking for the clasp 

And then I'm stripping down 

And in an instant everything is falling apart 

I'm lying down half naked

Feeling like the worst person in the world

Staring up at my wall Seeking the perfect song to drown myself in

Hands tracing my leg

Along my cheek

Nothing feels right

If only I could learn to like myself

I'm falling apart again 

I can't sleep 

Another mess...

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself fall so low. 

Why I seek his warmth when I'm at my lowest 

When I know he'll only argue with me

Push me, tell me to let him work

Maybe because I know that he'll come back 

Patting my head, telling me I look pretty 

Making stupid comments to make me laugh

Another cigarette 

Another night

Seeking through all the songs on my phone

Desperately trying to find the right one

And then the itch starts again 

Hair falling over my face 

Clothes strewn all over the place 

Everything is coming back

I want to change the person I am.

I don't know what's going on in my head. What to feel.I doesn't make sense. It made sense in my head but now it doesn't.

Monday, July 25, 2016


Lately I've been sulking in my misery.

Arms wrapped around my friend

Pulling on his hair and talking about life 

My feelings for him haven't changed

He's the only person who I can talk to about the thoughts in my head while drinking beer and pulling his hair


My poor baby has a yeast infection

And I feel like the worst owner

Work has consumed my time

And I've neglected her

It wasn't until tonight that I've realized this. It hurt to touch her and I cried like a baby.

I also went and ordered new dog food her, a shampoo, wipes. Tomorrow or.... Later on that I will buy everything else needed to cure her yeast infection.

Wish me luck non-existent readers.



I might have a date. Although it might have fallen through. I'm not sure what to do.

My love life sucks.

My feelings for my friend will never change.

But we both know it won't go any further.



Sunday, July 3, 2016

July 3rd

I'm lounging in a pretty darn comfortable couch in the back.

(Still at work.)

I have 5 minutes before I have to go back and face reality.

4 minutes.

I used to think it would hurt a lot.
Confessing your feelings to someone and not getting a reply back.
Or seeing the person you've confessed your feelings to hanging out with someone elsee. His arm wrapped around her.

Don't confess your feelings online

I saw the person I confessed my feelings to.
I panicked and ran. His friend stood to the side smirking.
Like he knew what I had done.
That's the worst feeling.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Death of a Dog

Swipe. Swipe. Nothing good. My heads pending. Shouldn't have drank that much. Heidi. Swipe back. Why is she on Facebook? "You'll be missed." I sit up, panic sweeping through. I drop my phone quickly getting up. I loose my balance, everything swirling around me. I hold onto the walls as I stumble to the back door. It can't be true. We still had a lot things to do. Memories to make. Hugs to be shared. 

As I finally make it down the stairs I slam the backdoor open. "Heidi," I scream tears streaming down my face. She's old. It takes her long to get up. I scream her name again as I stumble towards her dog house. A black figure runs up to me. Alaska. I push her aside. "Hedi!" I cry. 

Upon reaching her house I stick my head inside but see nothing. I look into Alaska's house but nothing. I'm fully crying now, shaking as I flip the lights on for the yard. There's a lump underneath a blanket. I fall down to my knees slowly pulling the blanket off. Her eyes are closed. She's still. No movement. No wagging off her tail. "My Heidi," I sob touching her cold face. Alaska pushes past me. She smells her before lying down next to her. She lays her head on Heidi's stomach. I start sobbing uncontrollably, cradling her head. " beautiful Heidi." 

I don't know how long I've been there. My eyes have dried up. It's just dry heaving. Alaska hasn't left her side. I miss her forehead one last time. I pull Alaska away, pulling the blanket back on.

We buried her the next day.
Alaska cried for days.
I couldn't talk about her without bursting into tears.

They used to tell us that her kind were vicious. To keep her on a tight leash. To muzzle her.

But they didn't know her.
She was a sweetheart.
Afraid of water.
Stealing food. 
Protecting the house.
Licking off the tears.
The joy she brought us.
Curling up on our laps even though she weighed a lot. 
Hugging anyone willing to accept her hugs.

I love her very much.

I saw a Rottweiler a few weeks ago.
I burst into tears when it jumped on me.
I miss her...



I can't think of anything to write.
So here are random photo's and a video 

Thursday, June 30, 2016

My first love. My only true love.

He wasn't like anyone I had ever met. I stumbled across his webpage by pure accident. I don't recall how we started talking. But I did do a lot of stalking.  He was eccentric. Intriguing. Our first encounter was a little strange and uncomfortable. 

But as I got to know him I became very attached. He was a drug user. A high school dropout. 

He was an artist. A philosopher. An explorer. A book lover. Cat lover. Outgoing. 

We would spend countless hours at the library tucked away in a corner. Staring up at he sky as he got high. Walking along the train talks talking about life. Sitting on his bed shuffling through his collection of books. Trading Stephen Kings book in excitement. 

Walking around the thrift store. Pilling books on the floor. He wasn't like anyone I had met. 

Our first kiss was bitter and sweet. He didn't want a relationship. I had just gotten back with an ex. 

I started drifting away from him. Pulling into myself. Withdrawing. He took my silences as they came. Drifting away from me. 

Time passed. I missed him more then I thought. And then our paths crossed again. 

Countless hours spent at the library. Shuffling through his collection of books. Watching him get high. Walking along the train tracks exploring.

But it different this time. 

He took my hand in his, pulling me to a stop. I turn to look at him. He smiles, his eyes squinting at me. "If I didn't like you, I wouldn't be here right now." I'm not sure what to say. I'm happy inside but unsure. 

I couldn't be with him. He wanted more. Somewhere along the line, he decided I was the one. But I was too scared. 

So I left. No words. No nothing. 

He met someone and is now happily married.

I can still remember him clearly. 

Tall. Lanky. Long hair dyed like a sunset. That lopsided smile. The scar on his lip. 

Maybe it was for the best that he was the one that got away